just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
