I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
