oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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