the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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