I think I died a long time ago.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
