How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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