can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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