My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
