I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
