If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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