I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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