i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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