when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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