Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
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