i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
