I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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