Porn is love you can see.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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