I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
this is an emotional support booty call
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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