I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
