oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
