can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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