so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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