I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
