you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
