I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize