u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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