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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
