Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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