I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
