im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Randomize
