to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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