The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize