There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
