i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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