Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
