I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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