It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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