dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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