is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Randomize
