I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
