I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
