You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
