dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
