Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
