I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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