it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
FUCK WHALES
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