if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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