so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
