I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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