My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
