I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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