I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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