How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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