Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
