you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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