Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Let's paint friendship bongs
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
