every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
