Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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