Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
