Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
