I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
