1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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