Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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