I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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