At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
