she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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