Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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